Another Naruto CrackFic
by Imcannedfruit
Summary: “Very good, sir. May I ask what flavor your majesty wants his ramen to be?” “Ramen-flavored, you idiot! Chop chop!” Chapter 9 up: Of Running and Ramen Flavored Ramen.
1. Too hot for my own good

Yo. Welcome to "Another Naruto Crack-Fic." Enjoy.

Disclaimer: Me? Own Naruto? You're kidding, right?

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The Kazekage sat up suddenly, looking around to see what had awoken him from one of his rare naps. He stared. There was a middle-aged man in the corner of his bedroom. His own personal space!

"Can I help you?" growled Gaara.

He was being unusually nice today. Usually he would have just killed the man and went back to sleep.

"Yes, actually," chirped the man. He walked up to Gaara's bed and opened up his trench coat. "Wanna buy something?" he muttered.

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Somewhere in the Land of Rejects Gaara's eyebrow twitched.

"That's odd," said Rudolph.

"I'm sooo wasted…" said the elf who wanted to be a dentist.

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Back in Suna

Gaara stared at… nothing. "Uh…. What are you selling?"

"Absolutely nothing!" replied the man as he did a little twirl and disappeared in a flash of fabric.

Gaara was about to say something, but he merely shrugged and fell back onto the mattress.

Gaara awoke again to find someone lying in bed with him and staring at him. A certain pink-haired someone.

"What the hell?!" he yelped, jumping off the bed.

"Hi, Gaara," said Sakura, for it indeed Sakura. "I've been watching you."

Gaara's eyes widened in shock and fear as Sakura got up from the bed and walked slowly over to him.

"What are you doing?" he asked fearfully.

"Something I should have done a long time ago…."

Oh, no, thought Gaara, I knew I was too hot for my own good! This is the fourth girl that's tried to rape me this month!

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Somewhere in the house Kankuro sighed wistfully and somewhere in Konoha Tenten, Ino, and Hinata sneezed.

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Back in the bedroom, Sakura was scaring the shit out of Gaara.

"I've been waiting to do this for quite a while and now that you're Kazekage…" she said getting closer and closer to Gaara.

Nooo! I'm too _sexy_ to get raped, he thought.

Gaara shook his head fearfully. Sakura pulled back her arm and… bitch-slapped him!

"That's for beating up Sasuke-kun!" she yelled and she stalked out of the room, slamming the door on her way out.

She can't slap me, he thought furiously, I'm Kazekage! Don't I have guards or something?!

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Somewhere else in the house, said "guards" were playing Halo.

"Sweet!" said one of the guards. We'll call him Bob. "Did you see me shoot down that thingymajiger? Awesome!"

"Yeah, but I have the feeling we're forgetting something…" said the other guard. We'll call him Larry.

"Whatever," said Bob.

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Well, that's the end. Tell me what you think.

Next chapter: A pokemon battle? Who writes this crap?! Oh, wait, I do! Until next week (hopefully)!


	2. YuGiOh's gay

Chapter 2

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I'm sorry I didn't update earlier! My internet crashed. So, to make up for it, I've written the longest chapter, you'll probably ever read in this story. Which is actually pretty sad if you think about it. . . . Anyway, I'd like to take this moment to thank my wonderful reviewers: Asagi the purple rabid monkey, koty, and last, but not least, my first reviewer, AfterDarkHours.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Naruto, Yu-Gi-Oh, Bambi, Barbie, Monopoly, or Pokémon. I also don't own Dragonball GT, The Simpsons, or South Park. Gosh, what _do_ I own?!

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Back in Gaara's room Lee appeared in all his green-spandex-wearing glory.

"I challenge you to a Yu-Gi-Oh Duel!" he youthfully yelled, spandex squeaking as he pointed his finger dramatically.

Again, Gaara raised a nonexistent eyebrow, which ended up looking _really_ weird. "Eh?" he said oh-so-eloquently.

"Must I youthfully repeat myself?" said youthfully youthful Lee. "I challenge you to a Yu-Gi-Oh Duel!"

The line of people that had been filing in stopped.

"What?! A Yu-Gi-Oh Duel?! I thought you guys were gonna have a Pokémon battle!" yelled Sasuke.

"Yeah!" called Naruto. "Yu-Gi-Oh's gay!"

Gaara and Lee ducked as the crowd booed and threw popcorn at them.

"We want Pokémon! We want Pokémon!" Kiba chanted. Of course, everyone started chanting it.

"Okay!" yelled Lee. "A Pokémon battle it is! Cheese and rice…" he muttered.

The crowd immediately stopped chanting and started placing bets.

"Hey, Kiba! Fifty bucks on Gaara!" yelled Naruto.

"Oh, yeah, Naruto?" yelled Sasuke, waving a wad of bills in the air. "Well, all the smart money's on Lee! He's part pokémon himself! One hundred bucks on Lee!"

"Okay," said Kiba, the self-appointed bookie. "Any other takers?"

The crowd jostled toward Kiba as they began placing bets.

"20 on Gaara!"

"10 on Lee!"

"50 on my mother!"

"…"

"Heheh, sorry. Guess I got a bit carried away…" said Zabuza, rubbing the back of his neck nervously.

"What are you doing here?"

"Uh… Gotta go!"

"… Let's forget that ever happened."

"Yeah . . . ."

"The time for betting is over!" declared a very familiar coughing voice.

Gaara and Lee whirled around that coughy guy from the Chuunin exams standing behind them. Was it Hayate? Yes it was!

"Aren't you dead?"

"Cállate Señor Preguntas!"

Naruto stared at Sakura in amazement. "I didn't know you could speak Spanish!"

"Shut up!" Sakura hit Naruto on his head.

"Why, Sakura-chan, why?"

"All of you, shut the fuck up!" yelled Hayate.

"Yipe!" Lee and Gaara jumped away fearfully.

"Now," continued Hayate, "it is time to begin the ba--"

"Wait!" called Lee. "We have no pokémon!"

The crowd groaned.

"Oh my God! What the hell is wrong with you people?!" yelled, you guessed it, Hayate.

"Wait!" said Shino, surprising everyone. "I always carry around a few pokémon."

He dug around in his coat extracting two potatoes, Thumper, a monopoly shoe, a grilled cheese sandwich, and a Malibu Barbie. Shino coughed and hastily put the Barbie back in his coat.

Everyone sweat dropped.

Finally, he pulled out two pokéballs. "Sorry, I only have two, but at least the battle will be quick," he said, throwing the pokéballs down to Gaara and Lee.

Lee caught his just fine, but Gaara's bounced off his head and rolled onto the floor.

"Owie," he said, rubbing his head. Everyone stared at him. "Er, I mean . . . hmph."

He walked over and retrieved his pokéball, acting as if nothing had happened.

"Okay, now that that's over with, the battle may begin."

As soon as the words left his mouth, the Dragonball GT theme began blaring out of nowhere.

_Dragon, dragon, d-d-dragon, _

_Dragonball GT—_

"What the hell?! God damn it, Kakashi, wrong theme song!" yelled Kurenai from the crowd.

"Sorry!" he called down.

Everyone heard the sound of a tape ejecting and some tapes being shuffled. Then they heard a tape being inserted and buttons being pushed. The Pokémon theme song began to play.

_I wanna be the very best,_

_That no one ever was _

_(Dun, dun, dun)_

_Each pokémon, to understand_

_The power that's inside—_

Gaara and Lee were about to release their pokémon, when Hayate stopped them.

"No."

"No?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"You must wait until the theme song finishes."

The Kazekage and the Chuunin stood there waiting for the song to finish. Or, rather, Gaara stood there, while Lee bounced around impatiently.

"C'mon, c'mon!" he muttered.

Finally, the god-awful song ended. Lee and Gaara were, once again, about to release their pokémon when Hinata spoke up from the back.

"B-b-battling p-p-p-pokémon is w-wrong," she said.

"She's right," said Lisa Simpson. "Forcing living creatures to fight to the death is immoral."

The crowd murmured.

Stan Marsh stood up. "You know what? I've learned something today. I've learned that you shouldn't try to force humor into a stupid crackfic. Then, he disappeared.

"Ah, screw this!" said Shikamaru. "I'm going home!"

He left, along with everyone else in the room. Except for Sasuke.

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What did you think? Tell me in your review. Oh, and I don't really know if those are the right lyrics to Dragonball GT, my brother told me them. So if they're wrong, please don't flame me about it. You shouldn't flame for such a stupid reason.

Next Chapter: Sasuke is alone with Gaara, what will happen?! Will he try to rape him? Find out in the next chapter of: "Another Naruto CrackFic"


	3. Can't kill me

**Chapter 3**

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This chapter is going to really short . . . . But bear with me guys! And thanks to my reviewers, even though none of you reviewed my last chapter! For shame, you guys, for shame.

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**Disclaimer: **I do not own Naruto. That honor belongs to Masashi Kishimoto. We love you, Kishimoto-sama!

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"Get the hell out of my room, Saucegay," Gaara growled scathingly.

"What are you gonna do, huh? Sic your fangirls on me?"

Sasuke pointed to a dark corner of the room where several fangirls were huddled, fighting over one of Gaara's used tissues. They hissed.

Gaara glared.

"Well, guess what?" said Sasuke, smirking. "You can't kill me!" He threw back his head and laughed maniacally. "Watch this." He pulled a rifle out of his pocket. How it fit there, nobody knows. Sasuke pointed the rifle towards himself. "Behold," he said and pulled the trigger.

Out of nowhere, a random fangirl came barreling towards Sasuke with a squee. "Noooooo!!!!" she yelled in slow motion, falling very dramatically.

The bullet struck her in the shoulder and sent her flying into the wall, creating a gaping hole through which a tide of Sasuke fangirls flowed in. Half of them mobbed Sasuke, squealing, "Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun!" The other half attacked Gaara, but were met by a small army of Gaara fangirls who viciously beat back the Sasuke fangirls and sent them fleeing out the hole. Gaara was like: **o.O** (A/N: I couldn't resist!)

"See?" called Sasuke over the battle cries of the vicious, fierce fangirls. "The perfect absolute defense, eh?"

But Gaara had already left.

"Damn . . ." he said as the angry Gaara fangirls turned on Sasuke as though it were his fault their precious Gaara-kun had left. "Curse you, Gaara!!!!"

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Well that wasn't as short as I thought it would be . . . rereads story Never mind . . . .

Don't forget to review and tell me what you thought!

Next chapter: Gaara in the Big Apple? Wtf? Find out in the next chapter of: "Another Naruto CrackFic!


	4. Omake!

**Omake!**

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To make up for the last, pathetically short chapter, I'm posting an omake! It's just going to be dialog, because sometimes, dialog is just fine on its own. Note that it takes place in during a party for the cast of Naruto.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Naruto, Masashi Kishimoto does. Too bad . . . . Oh, I also do not own "Emo Kid" by Adam and Andrew.

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"Hey. How's it going?"

"Go away, doll boy."

"I resent that! They're puppets, not dolls!"

"What are you doing, fatty?"

"I'm not fat, girly man!"

"I asked what you were doing!"

"Chill dude. I'm just talking to Tenten here."

"Juuken!"

"Aah! Oh my God! My spleen!"

**Across the room**

"Aren't you going to help him?"

"Nope."

"I thought you guys had some kind of brotherly bond?"

"No. He was just trying to get close to me for my PS3, which is a piece of crap anyway."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

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"Duuuuude. I'm so wasted."

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"Hey, Gaara."

"Holy shit, not you again! W-w-what are you doing?! S-stop it! Nooo! I'm a virgin! Help! Help, rape! Rape! Noooo!"

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"I'm an emo kid, nonconforming as can be

You'd be nonconforming, too, if you looked just like me

I have--" (A/N: I know that song by heart!)

"Shut the fuck up!"

"You never loved me!"

"Go away emo-fag!"

"Tenten, you've been awfully mean lately. Are you PMS-ing or something?"

"Soushouryuu!" (Twin Rising Dragons)

"Oh my God!"

"So that's what your liver looks like . . . ."

"Ewww . . . ."

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"Drink, drink, drink, drink!"

"Oh, guys, I'm gonna hurl . . . ."

"Wooh!"

"Oh my God!"

"It's on my shirt!"

"I'm a dragon! A magical, barf-breathing dragon!"

"My shoes!"

"Noo! Not the punch!"

"Blondie, that's unsanitary!"

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Well, that's my omake. The barf-breathing dragon joke is from Dane Cook's Insomniac tour. You could watch it on YouTube; it's really funny. Anyway, review and tell me what you think!


	5. Trucking russes

We now return to our original story line. Once again, I'd like to thank my reviewers Kari, lilley-kun, Asagi the purple rabid monkey, and my unofficial reviewer, Bertrand.

**A/N: **These next few chapters draw a lot of influence from a cooperative story I wrote in Creative Thinking. As such, I would like to take this moment to give credit to: Mason Bowman, T.J. Daly, Anna Lilley, Toni Marie Flowers, and Macy Walker.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Naruto, Harry Potter, or Sharpies.

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The Gaara in question was currently strolling down a country road, when he was seized by a sudden urge to go to a Harry Potter convention. Why? That is another story. Anyway, he started walking west, because that was where the sign to the convention told him to go.

Walking along, he saw a short boy with black hair, violet eyes, and eyeliner, skipping down the path chanting: "Donuts, donuts," while two men in white suits followed him clumsily.

"Tch. Amateurs," muttered Gaara.

After a couple more boring hours of walking, he reached the edge of a city. New York City, to be exact. How did he get there, you ask? That is yet another story.

As he marveled at the size of the buildings, a sobbing girl with her hair messily cut and dunked in ketchup tore past him. As she ran past, he saw that she had freckles drawn on her face with an orange Sharpie. He shrugged and kept walking. This was New York, after all. He'd heard stories . . . Gaara shuddered.

He looked around. Hmm, where is the convention? Should I take a bus? Ah, what the hell, why not? He crossed the street to the bus stop and waited. And waited. And waited.

"Aaw, screw it!" he yelled, turning around.

Suddenly, the bus pulled up at the curb. Muttering about something that sounded like "trucking russes," he climbed aboard. Well, guess what? This just happened to be a bus full of rabid, visually impaired Harry Potter fangirls headed for the Harry Potter convention. Guess what else? They mistook Gaara for Ron Weasley. Common mistake, actually. The fangirls squee'd and mobbed him.

Damn Akatsuki! Gaara thought angrily. And where the hell are my guards when I need them?!

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In the Akatsuki hideout, all of the members of Akatsuki sneezed. Except for Zetsu, who can't sneeze because he's a plant. Plants don't sneeze. And Leader, who's just a pair of eyes and a shadow. I don't know if Kisame sneezed, since he's, like, half fish or something.

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In Suna, the guards also sneezed.

"Dammit!" yelled Bob. "I was this close," he held up his index finger and thumb, "to beating you!"

"Shyeah, right!" retorted Larry.

"Bastard!"

"Asshole!"

"Buttcake!"

". . . Buttcake?"

"Shut up!

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I love crackfics… Anyway, don't forget to review! I sacrificed watching Bleach to write this . . . The least you guys can do is review!

Next chapter: Gaara gets kidnapped by a dragon? And what does Arnold Schwarzenegger have to do with anything? Find out in the next chapter of : "Another Naruto CrackFic!"


	6. I won't be back

I'm not dead! I haven't updated in a while, so here I am.

**A/N: **For those of you wondering about some of my OCs, read my story on Fictionpress . com, "The Not So Exciting Adventures of Barry Flotter."

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto. T.T

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Back in NYC

After the fangirls had realized he wasn't Ron, they had thrown him off the bus, onto the curb, causing Gaara to release a string of curses, which in turn, caused several little old ladies nearby to faint. (Whew, was that a run-on sentence or what?)

Gaara picked himself up, still grumbling, and said to no one in particular, "Screw you guys, I'm going home!" He turned around and was walking away, when he was suddenly swept up by a . . . dragon. Yes, a dragon. Why was there a dragon in New York City? That is yet another story. But, I digress; back to the plot!

Gaara had long since stopped struggling. He was hoping that if the dragon thought he was dead, it would drop him. Wait . . . . Gaara looked down. Holy shit monkey! There was no way he'd be able to survive such a fall without his sand.

"Damn you Akatsuki!" (And they don't sneeze this time! ')

He began struggling again, but the dragon had other plans. It turned left and Gaara almost fell, causing him to utter another string of curses that caused old ladies in Djibouti to faint. The dragon dropped Gaara on the room of a random building. But, before it flew off, it pulled off its mask to reveal (Oh the suspense!) . . . Arnold Schwarzenegger.

"I won't be back," he said, and flew off.

But Gaara had already climbed off the roof and was running down the wall using his uber-cool shinobi skittles while yelling "Super Shinobi Red!" (Note: I do not own "The Shinobi's Guide to Sentai," Kaori does. I'm sorry Kaori; I couldn't resist!) He came to a window and swung in. He appeared to be in some kind of jail cell. He looked at the center of the room and gasped.

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**A/N:** Hah! A cliffhanger! Heh, my spellchecker went crazy when I was typing this chaper. Can you believe it took me a whole hour to type up this chapter? I need to get focused! Anyway, please review.

**Next Chapter: **Gaara meets some familiar strangers and a horribly ugly woman. Who are the strangers? Why does the woman have an abundant amount of facial hair? Find out in the next chapter of: "Another Naruto CrackFic!"


	7. Civical Duties

I'm really really sorry for last chapter. I mean, that was just terrible. I'm gonna try to update more often. Really! I will! School's out so I have a lot of free time.

Oh, and a cookie for bluegirl19, who has not only reviewed, but has also placed me in her C2, her favorites, and her story alerts! And KarinUzumaki, I've got my eye one you. Shame on you for placing me on your story alert and not reviewing! To all of my reviewers, thank you.

**Disclaimer: **How many times do I have to tell you?! I don't own Naruto! Gosh!

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In the center of the room was the same man who had come into his room and had attempted to sell him . . . (insert dramatic pause here) nothing.

"Oh, God, no. Not you again!"

"Hiya!" said the man, sitting up. "Wanna buy a wak-wak?"

"What the hell is a 'wak-wak'?"

The man shrugged. "I dunno, but it looks cool!"

"Oh, dear God, I have to get out of here!"

Gaara began climbing the walls searching for an exit. Where was the window he had come in from?

"Please, God, no! I don't wanna die with some crazy old fart!"

He crawled over to a corner and started to cry, while the man started humming Copacabana. (Guess I don't own that either.) Gaara heard the door open and someone was thrown in. He ignored it. (Why, 'cuz he's cool, nyuh!) However, when that someone started singing Copacabana along with the man, he looked up. It was Donuts Boy. (Remember, Chapter 5?)

"Oh, _No_!" he cried. "Oh, God, please, no!"

"Hello!" said the boy, enthusiastically.

Gaara twitched. He was so _enthusiastic_! (Just said that!) Not unlike a certain, blond, ramen-loving, ninja.

Suddenly, the door was thrown open again, and an extremely ugly woman with a unibrow and unpleasant facial burst in. She began shooting tranquilizer darts in random directions, taking out the man and Donuts Boy.

"Oh, my God!" yelled Gaara. (Again!) "What the hell is wrong with you?!"

"I'm bustin' ya'll outta here," replied the woman in a heavy southern accent. (As if we couldn't tell.)

Gaara ducked as a dart rocketed his way. "Well, don't!"

"I gotta. It's my civical duty."

"Civic," corrected Gaara, sighing.

"Yeah, that, too."

"Greeeat. I'm leaving." Gaara shoved the heavy woman aside and strode out the wide-open door.

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Was that too terrible? I know this chapter was _very_ dramatic, what with the doors slamming and the yelling. I actually had fun writing Gaara's dialogue. Anyway, don't forget to review and tell me what you think. That means you, KarinUzumaki! But really, thanks for putting me on your story alert. Means a lot to me.

Next Chapter: Heheh, still kinda undecided about this one. I know, the reviewers will pick! Okay, the choices are: Suna being turned into the prostitution capital of the world, or Gaara being locked in a closet with Naruto. The sooner you tell me, the sooner I'll update! I swear!


	8. Never mix sake and peace treaties

Okay, I know I said I would update sooner. I'm sorry. Anyway, I've pretty much got the rest of the story planned out, and it should be over in about four chapters. Yes! Also, instead of choosing between the two options at the end of Chapter 7, I just decided to write them both. It'll work out, you'll see. Thanks to anyone who reviewed my last chapter.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto or Milky Way. : p I'm sorry.

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". . . The hell . . . ?" Gaara was in Suna. At least, he thought it was Suna. It was sandy at least. Several buildings were on fire and drunken men staggered about. Gaara stared on in horror as scantily dressed women paraded down the streets. One of them looked strangely familiar. . . .

"Hinata?!"

She turned and said, "How much ya got, honey?"

Needless to say, Gaara was stunned. He almost fainted then and there. "H-hinata? What are you doing?"

"What's it look like, honey?"

"Stop calling me that!"

"Honey, honey, honey--"

Gaara cut her off. "Shut up!" he huffed. He looked around. "What the hell happened here?"

"Do you really want to know?"

"Kinda!"

"Okay. . . ."

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(Flaaaashbaack!)

"Hell yeah! In your face, Suna!" a drunken Tsunade slurred. "Your punk-ass Kazekage isn't here to protect you, is he?" Tsunade threw back her head and laughed evilly. "Now that we've invaded you, we will turn Suna into the prostitution capital of the world! Muahaha!"

"Didn't we have some kind of treaty?" asked innocent bystander number one.

Tsunade paused and threw a jar of peanut butter at the bystander's head. "Bullshit! That treaty was written on the back of a Milky Way wrapper!"

"Damn you, Milky Waaaay!"

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(End flaaashbaack!)

Gaara stared at Hinata. "That was seriously fucked up, you know that, right?"

Hinata nodded.

Gaara sighed. "So, I guess I better run, right?"

Hinata nodded.

"You know, if you keep nodding, you're head's gonna fall off, right?"

Hinata nodded.

Gaara sighed again and took off running.

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Thanks for reading! Please review.

Next Chapter: Gaara runs into Naruto, and Naruto daydreams. Gaara needs a hiding place, where does Naruto take him? Find out in the next chapter of "Another Naruto Crackfic!"


	9. Of Running away and Ramen Flavored Ramen

Gaara was running. He didn't know where the hell he was going, but damn it, he was going! He shuddered. Suna was in ruins and approximately half of its population was after his blood. Glancing over his shoulder again, he noted with dismay that the mob had not thinned. In the interest of self-preservation, he quickened his pace.

"Get him!"

"Capture him!"

"Let us roast his innards over an open fire and feast!"

"…."

…Right.

"Er… I mean, gang rape!"

The exclamation was met with widespread approval.

Gaara shuddered.

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Several hours of shuddering and running later, our hero spotted a blindingly yellow-orange blur on the horizon. The sun? Garfield? No, twas Naruto!

"Gaara," yelled the oblivious blonde. "What are you doing?"

…Are you fuckin' serious?

Gaara sighed resignedly. "What does it look like?"

"I dunno, runnin'?"

Ding, ding, we have a winner!

"Could you by any chance help me?"

"I dunno, you didn't say 'please.'"

The Kazekage wrinkled his nose. Gaara didn't say 'please'! That was for mortals!

"Fine," sniffed Naruto, turning his back.

Gah! "No, Naru-chan, please help me! I need a place to hide!"

"Weeell, since you said 'please' . . ."

"ZOMG, thank you!"

Blondie turned back and grinned sadistically. "Who said I was helping you?"

Gaara's cry of frustration was heard across the land.

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They were in a closet. Naruto had teleported them to a closet! A closet in fricken Suna!

"You goddamn idiot!"

Fortunately, Naruto was too enveloped in his day dream to hear the curses shouted at him or the kicks aimed at his testicles and other sensitive body parts.

Naruto was seated on a high throne that overlooked his subjects. Because Gaara had been so grateful to Naruto for helping him, he had killed Tsunade and instilled Naruto as the new god-king of Konoha. Life was good.

He snapped his fingers. "Sasuke, bring me a large bowl of ramen!"

Sasuke bowed. "Very good, sir. May I ask what flavor your majesty wants his ramen to be?"

"Ramen-flavored, you idiot! Chop chop!"

Naruto was finally jolted out of LaLa Land (population: 32,324) when Gaara slammed his head into a wall. Ow…

"Found the stud!" Gaara said gleefully.

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AN: I apologize for the long wait. I am a huge procrastinator and also happen to be extremely lazy when it comes to updating! :D Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it, despite the dishearteningly short length.

On the next chapter of Another Naruto Crackfic: Gaara and Naruto are trapped in a closet. Hilarity ensues.

PS. The closet has _no_ intended symbolism. Or does it…?


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